I’ve never been big on self confidence. First it was the glasses, then the braces, then puberty and the pimples and big hips that came along with it, and oh yeah, the boobs that didn’t get anywhere near as big as a girl and society in general hope they will be. I’ve always compared my body to my friends’, most of them beautiful and skinny, with sidelong glances…which while I don’t resent them for their beauty, I couldn’t help but wish my exterior was a little more that and a little less this. In fact, for the first four years we were dating, I wouldn’t even let Glenn see me wearing my glasses…I insisted on putting my contacts in before I would let him see me. That’s one insecure little girl, folks. And I grew up before the advent of social media and cyberbullying, sheesh.
I wish I could say all of that has changed. That I don’t still look at my beautiful friends and wish I could look more like them. Part of me will always wish I were different than I am. But what has changed is that I’m a lot more comfortable in my own skin these days. I spend less time staring critically in the mirror, probably because I don’t ever get to go to the bathroom by myself. I do still cringe when I step on the scale and see those 5ish pounds I’d need to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, or when I try on my favorite pair of jeans and know that if I wear them, I will regret it later when I’m losing circulatory flow, but it certainly doesn’t stop me from having a cookie after lunch with my boys or eating a few slices of pizza on Friday night.
I’ve come to accept that my body deserves more than my disdain. It has carried two small people within its bounds, expanding and contracting to give them each a place to grow, so I can’t be upset that my tummy isn’t flat. It has fed those two people for a combined total of 33 months, so I can’t fault my boobs for their lack of perfection. My body, with all its imperfections, is pretty darn miraculous, so it’s about time that I gave it a little break.
And someday, if I have a girl of my own, I hope I can help her find that same acceptance.