I hear many parents talk about how they wouldn’t change their special needs child, and while I always look at them in awe of their patience and steadfastness, I am not that parent. I spend hours, days, weeks and months researching, talking to other parents, obsessing over and learning everything I can about treatments…that will change Rory. I fully believe that she can and will improve–and is proving that every day–and that just accepting her the way she is would be doing her a disservice. Realistically I know that I am doing at least close to everything I can possibly to do help her be her best Rory. But as a parent who also has three other children who do NOT struggle with the same things she struggles with, here’s what I would really love to do.
I would love to take a shred of Carter’s brilliance…his prodigy, a few of the extra IQ points he wouldn’t even miss, the way learning has always come effortlessly for him…and give it to the little girl who shares his blue eyes but struggles with all of the things he’s never even had to think twice about.
I would love to take a tiny piece of Collin’s easy-going personality…the all-around amazing child who is 9 times out of 10 peaceful, calm, helpful and sweet, the kid who effortlessly makes friends, who teachers adore and who always knows when I need a hug…and give it to his fellow “middle” who has trouble regulating her emotions and who struggles socially because she is so far behind her peers.
I would love to take a fraction of Owen’s silly innocence…the way he has met and exceeded every milestone, his adorable sense of humor and funny faces, the way he has always gone with the flow even when I ask so much of him on a daily basis…and give it to his fellow “little” who is so developmentally delayed in so many ways and just lacking so many of the sweet and easy moments of childhood because she has to work so hard for everything.
And I’m struggling with the “both.”
Both being insanely proud of Carter’s seemingly endless accomplishments and being sad that Rory might never have that.
Both being in awe of how all-around awesome Collin is at life, and wondering if there is ever anything that will come easy to Rory.
And both being so happy and relieved every time Owen does something brilliant or hysterical (which is often) and being heart-broken that he passed his big sister by yet again.
I have four AMAZING children. I am insanely proud of all four of them every day, but I think I will always struggle with the why. Why was Rory dealt such a hard hand in life while her brothers weren’t? And why can’t I take those tiny puzzle pieces of each of the boys and give them to Rory’s puzzle to make her life easier?