The Push and Pull

By on May 9, 2014 in Mama Musings, Pregnancy |

I type this post with one hand as Collin sleeps on my chest, Rory fidgets in my belly because Collin is squishing her, and Carter is begging for a snack.  (He just got himself some yogurt and I am reminded that independence is one of the benefits of his getting bigger.)  Just a snapshot of life lately.  At 36 weeks pregnant, we are on the verge of a huge life change and I think it’s pretty electric in the air that life as we know it is going to be capital-D Different.  And soon.

Life is such a dichotomy right now. Sometimes it’s so hard I just want to scream, run and hide.  When the whining is incessant, the NEED is just so, so, so intense, and the anger swells inside my chest until it boils over and I find myself screaming like a lunatic and wondering who the heck I am.  But then other times it’s EASY.  When my guys are playing nicely together in their room, giggles trailing out into my ears as I sit there thinking my own thoughts for once.  When they hug and say “I love you” to each other unprompted, and I know that despite the battles, yelling, hurt feelings and physical hurting that they are brothers and friends and that’s just such a powerful bond that I never experienced…but I’m so glad they are experiencing it now.  And I hope they are the kind of siblings who stay close as they grow up.  I want my future “Braverman” family where the brothers and sisters love and care for each other as adults, and the huge table they eat at strains with so many children and smiles.

Both boys can tell that something is up.  As my belly swells larger and larger, they seem to need me more and more.  “I want Mama!”  “I want to sit next to you!’  “I want you to snuggle with me!”  All warm my heart unless they are coming out of two mouths at one time and there is only so much of me to go around.  They literally fight over who gets to sit next to me on the couch, or lie next to me while we’re reading bedtime stories.  I keep telling myself that this is such a short, sweet time in their lives and try to savor every need, cuddle and snuggle.  Soon they will be big.  Too soon.  (Repeat this 10 times a day!)  Collin just woke up from his nap and the first words out of his mouth?  “I want to sit next to you!”  So now I have Carter on my left (with Bailey the cat curled up next to him), Collin on my right, and Rory wiggling in my belly.  I just can’t even fathom how much the need is going to be magnified–from everyone–once she comes out and actually has really newborn needs of her own.  It’s going to be an intense few months around here at the McKay house.

But I know we will get through it, and these hard “little kid” years will pass way sooner than I would like them to.  Every day I look at these amazing little people and can’t believe that we MADE them, and they’re OURS.  We are just so, so lucky, and now another amazing little person is joining our family and we’re going to be even more blessed for the love she brings to all of us.